The Britain’s Got Talent final is just around the corner, and I proudly count myself one among the millions of crazed Brits who Literally Can’t Think About Anything Else.
Personally, I’m rooting for operatic boy band Collabro, but 79 year old salsa dancer Paddy Jones and her partner Nico would also be deserving winners.
The competition is hot this year, so I’ll refrain from predicting a winner in case I’m wrong, which would devastate my BGT esteem. One thing I can predict however, is that the judges will say several things that really push my buzzers (see what I did there?)
Here they are then, in all their glory: The Top 10 Most Annoying Things Britain’s Got Talent Judges Always, Always Say, Even Though They Mean Shite All.
1. “Whatever happens tonight, you’ve got a future ahead of you.” Er hello? Don’t we all? That’s kind of how being alive works.
2. “I have no doubt you’re going to be a star.” Amanda Holden and David Walliams are the most guilty of this phrase. They chuck it out there at least three times an episode. If that were true, we’d have at least 20 celebrities born each series. Name 20 acts you remember from BGT 2013. Exactly.
3. “I didn’t like it. I LOVED it.” This is a cheap phrase which doesn’t even mean anything, because anyone with half a brain cell knows the two states aren’t mutually exclusive.
4. “I hope the public get behind you tonight.” I don’t Alicia. The stage would be far too full. #crowdcontrol
5. “You are the best act we’ve ever had on this show.” Yeah, cos I believed you the 100th time you said that.
6. “What I have to ask myself is would the Queen like this?” don’t ask yourself Simon. I hear Lizzie’s pretty good at making her own decisions.
7. “We’ve never had an act like you before.” David, I’m so glad you said that. DNA never fails to amaze me either.
8. “Anything could happen tonight.” Indeed. Although realistically, Simon Cowell probably won’t get naked.
9. “That was such a brave song choice.” Quick – someone run and get the Victoria Cross!
10. “I could have watched you all night.” Except at some point, I’d rather get in my Limo and head back to my 12 bedroomed mansion. Sweet dreams!
Today I got my 30, 000th follower on Twitter (whoop!).
Happy as I am, it hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows. The hate on Twitter flows freer than the champagne, and it’s a nasty part of online life I haven’t been able to avoid.
The amazing thing is, compared to the big players on Twitter, my follower count is fairly minuscule. If I get as much hate as I do, how much must those with 100s of thousands or even millions get? A tonne, I expect.
Bottom line. Hate can be horrible. So to celebrate my 30, 000 follower milestone, I thought I’d share the most offensive tweets I have ever received with you. Because, while they hurt at the time, they do make fairly hilarious reading.
Before we begin, I’ll just fill you in. I have a darling little dog called Rocky, and we frequently tweet together. Unfortunately, there’s clearly something about small white fluffy dogs that is especially repugnant to the hoards of angry, puppy-hating trolls on Twitter, and for this reason a lot of the hate is directed towards him.
Ok. Now you’re up to speed and we can begin:
1. Your not even really blonde @emilydavis93. Ew.
2. Shut up @emilydavis93. I hate you and everything you stand for. Especially your dog. I really hate your dog.
3. @emilydavis93 not only are u an oxygen theif, ur also a carbon dioxide theif cos even plants are better than u #learntitinbiology
4. @emilydavis93 What’s happening in Surrey today? Oh wait. I don’t care.
5. I just unfollowed u becos u arent even pretty animore. U used to be pretty tho. What happend @emilydavis93??
6. @emilydavis93 F*CKING FOLLOW ME B*TCH OR I’LL ASSASSINATE YOUR DOG
7. Can someone please exterminate @emilydavis93 and her rat? Sorry I mean dog.
8. @emilydavis93 is a losa wiv only dogs for frends
9. @emilydavis93 the only situation in which your dog could be fun would be as slippers.
10. And finally… There was one very persistent tweep who used to take pictures I uploaded of myself, illustrate them with phalluses, and then tweet them to me. They were everywhere. Literally. Everywhere. He would draw them pointing into my nose, mouth, ears; basically any available cavity. Although this was in some ways distressing, I had to give him credit for his artistic ability: these were no ordinary school-boy, cartoon willies. They were actually very well drawn. Eventually, I decided to give him the recognition he deserved and started favouriting his tweets. He promptly stopped.
The moral of the story? Show the troll you don’t care, or better still, that you are actually mildly amused by his/her abuse, and they’re likely to lose interest and go away. After all, there’s no point taunting a blonde, dog-loving girl who isn’t even pretty anymore and doesn’t care what you say. Right?
Oh how I love London in the spring. Meandering through Regent’s Park today, these goslings made me feel especially cheery.
Obviously they were speaking in Goose so I couldn’t entirely make out what they were saying, but here’s a rough translation:
Mum: “You call this a line? This is a terrible line. We’re not going anywhere until kids you sort this mess out.”
Gosling 1 (the bossy one): “Siblings! Assemble!”
Gosling 2: “Sure thing!”
Gosling 3 (the OCD one): “Thank god! Order has been restored”
Gosling 4: Muuuum! Gosling 6 is being a douche again.
Gosling 5: Look at him. What an idiot. Don’t you just hate him?
Gosling 6: “Screw you b*tches. I AM NOT A NUMBER.”
Apologies for any inaccuracies. My Goose isn’t what it was.
10. Every British squirrel ever
9. When your friend gets hurt in PE
8. Apocalypse Cow
7. How the brain of a dog works
6. When my dad gets the camera out
5. When you start making drunk calls
4. When you pretend to be something you’re not
3. When the boys go down the pub
2. When you want to spend all your time with that special someone
1. When your bezzie is an underachiever